A new colleague approached me this week and asked me two pointed questions with so much sincerity that it made me take a step back. She asked, "Where are you in the midst of your transition?" and....."Are you happy?" They seem like such simple questions, don't they? But as I reflect back to other transitions in my life, I wonder how I would have responded to those same questions in previous seasons. I think back to the 12-14 hour days I would work in my previous school, a place that I loved whole heartedly and where I firmly believed I was making a difference in the world. Happiness became an afterthought in many ways as the needs of my students and the demands of my district became the forefront of my life. I worked harder than I have ever worked at anything, and while I loved and believed in the work I was doing, I was also immensely unhappy. I would fall asleep with severe anxiety and then reawaken with it a short period of time later- never feeling like my contribution was enough. Teachers will always be their own worst critics.
I fall asleep some nights now with the faces of previous students flashing in my head. I think about them all the time these days; wondering if their mom is still working 3 jobs, if their little brother has been born yet, if they are going to bed hungry, if they will have warm enough clothes for the creeping chill that Autumn brings with it, and if they are still walking their younger siblings to daycare alone in the early mornings. I hope that they are happy and that they will remember just how much I loved and believed in them. As much as I worry about some of what they face in the real world, I know without a doubt that there will be smiling faces greeting them when they get to school, warm bodies to hug, and a teacher to tell them they are happy to see them today. I know because that's the crop I come from and those are the people I worked in the trenches beside for years. As I process through my current transition, I find myself struggling with the "making a difference" piece. While it could be argued that no student should ever need their teacher in the way that some of my previous students have needed me, I find the contrast between the old and the new colliding at times, and am juggling confusion in some ways as I work through this new season. I don't need to be needed as much as I need to know that what I'm doing matters and that it matters significantly. I stepped foot out of one world and jumped into another so quickly, that somedays it feels as though I blinked and missed the entire transition piece. In reality, I know that transition takes days, weeks, months, etc., and that I can't expect to feel that I have "arrived" at any given point. It's a process and it's one that will continue for many months, even years, to come. There is so much to love and appreciate about where I am and the experiences that I am having. I wouldn't trade any of it, and I in no way feel that I should be anywhere else at this given moment. My students here need me in very different ways than my previous students have, and being the teacher these students need will stretch and grow me in new ways professionally as well. That in and of itself is enough reason to be here. As time moves on, I hope that I can continue to find meaningful ways to contribute to the community that I find myself in. I am learning as I journey forward that doing worthwhile work is going to look and feel different regardless of where you are and what you're doing. As of now, I'm moving onward with arms open wide and hoping that if I play my cards well, the right people and opportunities will fall into them. As always, I count myself grateful for the journey, for the opportunity to experience new ways of doing things, and always (always) for the people who've journeyed alongside me.
4 Comments
R.
9/16/2016 08:43:11 am
M-
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Michelle
9/16/2016 05:55:36 pm
You know me well. I'm still trying to find my INFJ here. ;) I wish we could grab a drink and contemplate the mysteries of life. Come visit!
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Mary Kay
9/16/2016 10:48:25 am
I understand exactly what you are saying. I did the same, when I left - I am no longer going home with my shoulders on fire from carrying burdens that didn't belong to me, but it never felt that others took them seriously. At the end of the day, I would worry about what the kids were going home to, who would be at home, how they would bathe, eat, sleep (those things that are necessary in my book). I sometimes think that I should have made the move much earlier in my life and then I remember that God has a perfect plan for me (and for you). Thank you for sharing your journey.
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Michelle
9/16/2016 06:00:12 pm
Our work was not for the faint of heart. I think I will carry those kids with me forever.
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AuthorMichelle is an expat and globetrotter, currently residing in Augsburg, Germany. Originally from the US, she has called Guam, China, and Germany home. Her passions include collecting children's picture books, reading, writing, traveling, and trying to remove coffee stains from freshly cleaned shirts. Archives
February 2022
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