I had a conversation recently with one of my closest friends who has been and continues to be one of the most consistent people in my life. She is my opposite in so many ways: strong, steady, serious, impossibly smart, a leader in pragmatic, detail-minded ways, ever patient, sarcastic, witty, a daredevil, and at times closed off to others, letting very few people in.
We were discussing our differences: my desire to know any and everyone and her desire to take careful consideration in who she opens herself up to. In our shared community, others often commented on how completely opposite we are in most regards and we continue to be questioned, even now, on how we became so close in the first place. We have always shrugged the comments off, knowing that our differences strengthen our friendship and help us feel more balanced. Along the way, we've begun to draw strength from each other and find some strange comfort in one another's nature. Despite our differences, our commonalities are also strong: we both have an immense need to be understood, a desire to be a part of an impactful community, and a depth we don't always show in our day to day interactions. We are also both fiercely protective of the people who matter most to us in life. The last time we spoke, I asked her how we've made this work. We've been friends for nearly 15 years and we are parallel opposites. We've survived nearly half a dozen moves (on my end), two of them being abroad, which makes communication, at times, challenging. Her response, as always, was sincere and direct: "We are two people who take care of others, but don't let people take care of us. We both have a need to give as much as we receive in relationships and seek a certain amount of depth in our closest friends. I guess somehow we got lucky and we just managed to learn how to be the person that the other person needs." In many ways, when we met we were at two opposite extremes. I was entirely too extroverted and optimistic for my own good and she was my equal opposite in introversion and cynicism. Somehow along the years we've both mellowed out a little bit and have met closer to the middle of both spectrums. I wonder sometimes how we ever really got to this point of settling into each other. The first few years of our friendship were bumpy as we were navigating life as young adults and figuring out who we were. She had a way of putting up walls that I saw as challenges to bulldoze through. As in all equal relationships, those walls flipped at times and I learned how to become open and trusting in someone other than myself as well. We are good for each other. And somehow, 15 years later, she remains to be the one person who knows me well enough to see through my facades, even half a world away. When we were younger, we used to talk a lot about the masks we (humanity, in general) wear to keep others from our authentic selves. I think at the the time, it was a lesson we were learning together. When I look back on the small choices that formed the foundation of our friendship, I often think of this Shel Silverstein poem. We, in no way, fit. But we have learned a thousand lessons from each other. What if we walked right by each other and never knew? Our friendship was formed over saying yes. Yes to dinner dates, yes to late night study sessions, yes to summer travel invitations, and yes to grabbing "quick drinks" that resulted in hours and hours of long conversations. I guess, in some ways, reflecting on those experiences catapults to today and leads me to reflect on the relationships I am building within my current community. In some ways as I've gotten older, I'm a little less open. I crave the comfort that comes with deep relationships but I don't always allow others the opportunity to know me deeply until I trust them. Very rarely is that trust instant. Admittedly, the removal of masks often takes more work, time, and effort than I am willing or ready for most days. Loving people and creating safe spaces for them to be authentic comes easily and naturally to me, but revealing my own "blue skin" tends to be reserved for select few. However, I've found that you find your people during seasons of Yes. In pulling back layers a day at a time and in being willing to be transparent with people. The best lessons are learned when we let our guard down and realize that so much of the human experience, even the hard parts, are shared. Shallow friendships have never been enough for me. I want to know others authentically and allow myself to be transparent enough to be seen and loved despite my own blue skin. In communities like the one I currently find myself in, this can be even more challenging. We get used to the transient- to the comings and goings of people we love. Even now, I am well aware that some of the faces that surround me in my current day to day may not be around next year. It's a challenge to open up to someone who you know you might not be there in the months or years to follow. But I believe to my core, that an authentic life is worth living, even when it's hard. This year, I'm pushing myself to live in a season of Yes. Because the alternative is even more frightening to me: What if I walk right by and never know?
3 Comments
Meg
10/14/2016 04:54:38 am
I'm just catching up on all of your blogs. I love that you are processing through this and are allowing us to journey along with you.
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Michelle
10/14/2016 09:49:28 pm
The timeliness of our meeting was pure providence. :)
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Jen
10/25/2016 04:39:38 am
You state beautifully just how much work authenticity can be. You are rare in so many ways, Michelle. I hope you are able to find a friendship that closely mirrors this one you've written about while you are in China. You take such good care of others and love so wholeheartedly. I hope you find the kind of person you need to balance your thoughts, ideas, and wonderings with and who is as good for you as you are for them. You are a treasure to the people who get to do life with you. We miss you deeply!
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AuthorMichelle is an expat and globetrotter, currently residing in Augsburg, Germany. Originally from the US, she has called Guam, China, and Germany home. Her passions include collecting children's picture books, reading, writing, traveling, and trying to remove coffee stains from freshly cleaned shirts. Archives
February 2022
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